Do you remember the story of Pavlov’s dog? Every time the scientist fed the dog he’d ring a bell. After a while, when Pavlov rang the bell the dog would salivate even though he was not fed. The dog formed a subconscious association between the ringing bell and the food, and reacted automatically.
It’s easy to spot some of the places where your interaction with your partner is an automatic reaction. You’re aware of danger zones in conversational topics, or behaviours – I know one lady who can start a fight any time she wants just by wearing fish net stockings. Lots of people might think the solution is to avoid wearing the stockings – how often do you edit your conversation, or your behaviour, to avoid conflict?
I know a couple that has trouble communicating, so one of them would periodically start a raging fight about something silly just to get the real issues on the table. Hey, it works for some people. It works if they trust that the fight will not break the relationship, and they enjoy the makeup sex. Most people have too many lingering wounds from arguments to use this method. There are certainly other options for developing communication.
Sometimes people use arguing to avoid an issue. Men claim women can’t have an argument without bringing up the past, which is a sure sign that 1. The past issue is not resolved and 2. They don’t like the current topic and are using the past to avoid it.
You know the danger zones in conversation, and you certainly know if you’re avoiding them or using them to generate conflict. The real question is, are you choosing? How often do you wonder why you said something? Did you say something in the heat of the moment, or say it even though you had made up your mind not to say it? It’s right up there with eating junk food – how often is what you say or do different than what you’d prefer to say or do?
Consider the case when the ‘ringing bell’ is your partner being upset. What is your automatic response? Maybe it’s one of these programs:
- Provide drama by being upset and giving them an argument to express their tension.
- Withdraw emotionally and sexually to fulfill their need to be rejected.
- Provide drama by creating a problem that needs solving. They can either solve it or fail to solve it, depending on what their programs require.
- Make demands they can’t satisfy or bring up past failures so they can feel not good enough.
- Create a conflict that leaves you feeling miserable so your program of feeling not good enough is fulfilled.
It’s pretty disturbing to consider that these could be automatic responses that occur when your partner is upset. The good news is that these programs can be removed. Removing this kind of program breaks the destructive cycles that form in relationships, and allows a different outcome. What if you were able to realize your partner is upset about something, and decide how to interact with it? What are the chances that life would be happier in your house?
Most people realize that if the argument is about the cap on the toothpaste or something equally ridiculous, it’s not the real argument. But do you realize it can be like this:
Husband has a bad day at work. – Subconsciously aware of that husband is upset, wife ‘accidentally’ leaves the credit card bill ‘out.’ – Triggering a major argument about some spending issue (the topic is not the point even if it’s an ongoing argument.)
Ever see the image where the guy comes home from work angry, and kicks the dog? The dog is certainly getting the rough end of this deal. You might even realize that when your partner comes home from work in a bad mood, you’re going to have a lousy evening. But do you realize that you have programmed responses that determine how you interact with their emotional state, and that your programs are what make your evening lousy? The best tool for clearing this kind of program is the Unlock meditation. Check it out at Osloda.com. You can find other tools and methods of clearing in the media library – click the ARCHIVE tab.
Insights Column
October 2011
Tone Magazine
